2 Sep 2023 8:40 pm
Babylon Bee todayBuffalo » 02 Sep 2023, 12:01 pm » wrote: ↑ City Of Chicago Sues Murder Victims For Not Getting Out Of The Way Of Bullets
U.S.·Sep 1, 2023 · BabylonBee.com
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CHICAGO, IL — Chicago Mayor Brandon Johnson announced this week that Chicago is bringing a lawsuit against the estates of thousands of murder victims for failing to step out of the way of bullets when they were shot at.
"There is a crime wave being fed by too many sluggish shooting victims," said Johnson to a roomful of gang members disguised as journalists. "How hard is it to take a couple of steps to the right, or maybe duck once in a while? The gross negligence of Chicago's murder victims is out of control and we will hold them accountable."
The lawsuit comes as part of a multi-pronged effort to fight crime in the city, which will also include suing convenience store owners for having so many tempting treats to steal, suing car manufacturers for making cars that can be broken into, and suing babies for being too easy to kidnap.
"We will do everything in our power to protect our citizens short of holding criminals accountable for their actions," said Johnson. "And next time someone shoots at you, do the right thing and get out of the way."
"Or we are coming for you."
At publishing time, Chicago had announced they would be suing all the residents of the city for having the bad judgment to live in such a dangerous place.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of Hurricane Idalia making landfall in Florida, President Joe Biden offered suffering victims in the Sunshine State comfort by telling them about the time he was in the bathroom and the urinal splashed back on him a little bit.
"I've been in the same situation, folks," Biden said as he made remarks to the media regarding ongoing disaster relief efforts in Hawaii and Florida. "These hurricanes and storms flooding everything remind me of my own challenges. There was this one time, at a state dinner with the Pope, and I had to go see a man about a mule, so I go to the ladies' room, but they kick me out, so I go to the men's room, and I'm doing my thing there at the…at the…at the…the urinal…and it…and it…splashed back on me a little bit. My own urine. Can you believe that? Awful day. Anyway…"—-
Ha ha.