JOKES
By sooted up Cyndi
16 Jul 2022 8:13 am in The Water Cooler Chat Room
16 Jul 2022 8:13 am
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls the bartender for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he drinks it anyway.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls the bartender for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he drinks it anyway.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”
16 Jul 2022 8:44 am
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball, he measures everything first!"
31 Jul 2022 2:52 am
28 Dec 2022 3:20 am
7 Mar 2023 2:09 pm
Absolutely amazing and deeply moving story of an Aussie woman's bravery with a tiny .22 calibre pistol. They are like a mosquito bite to a big croc.
A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 calibre Ruger pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5 meter crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.
“Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his life insurance was also a big bonus!.”
A Darwin woman, Beverly Thompson, 38, has stopped a crocodile attack using a small .22 calibre Ruger pistol.
This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
Here's her story in her own words:
"While walking along the edge of a lake near my house in the Zuccoli Village Estate near Darwin discussing a property settlement with my soon-to-be ex-husband, and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 3.5 meter crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water. It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Ruger .22 caliber pistol with me, I wouldn't be here today!" said Beverly.
“Just one shot to my estranged husband's kneecap was all it took. The croc got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible - and his life insurance was also a big bonus!.”
5 Apr 2023 6:53 am
sootedupCyndi » 16 Jul 2022, 8:13 am » wrote: ↑ An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls the bartender for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he drinks it anyway.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/d7YMgH-lJ0c
5 Apr 2023 7:13 am
cute.
9 Apr 2023 3:44 am
23 Apr 2023 10:07 am
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/H7Lg7lNow-ksootedupCyndi » 16 Jul 2022, 8:13 am » wrote: ↑ An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls the bartender for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he drinks it anyway.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”
23 Apr 2023 10:35 am
cute.
24 Apr 2023 11:00 am
Maybe not really a joke, at least not for the poor dead guy, but just for the title... killed by a flying cow.. lol... I miss moo moo..
In memory of Pumpkins
5 May 2023 7:29 am
Ouch...what a way to go.Jantje_Smit » 24 Apr 2023, 11:00 am » wrote: ↑ Maybe not really a joke, at least not for the poor dead guy, but just for the title... killed by a flying cow.. lol... I miss moo moo..
Norm joke...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AWHeCwChUtE
15 May 2023 5:06 am
Now for today's lesson in history...Jantje_Smit » 24 Apr 2023, 11:00 am » wrote: ↑ Maybe not really a joke, at least not for the poor dead guy, but just for the title... killed by a flying cow.. lol... I miss moo moo..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKo7YVpKMcE
15 May 2023 9:11 pm
A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'm at wit's end!"
The psychiatrist says, What's wrong?"
The guy says, "I found out that my wife frequents Jake's Bar where she gives sex to anyone who asks for it."
The psychiatrist says, "I can help you with that. But first, where exactly is Jake's Bar?"
The psychiatrist says, What's wrong?"
The guy says, "I found out that my wife frequents Jake's Bar where she gives sex to anyone who asks for it."
The psychiatrist says, "I can help you with that. But first, where exactly is Jake's Bar?"
15 May 2023 9:17 pm
A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, I think my wife is trying to poison me."
The doctor says, "I'll call your wife and talk to her. You stop back in two days, and I'll let you know what I think."
Two days later the doctor explains that he spoke with her for 1-1/2 hours and says, "My advice to you is take the poison."
The doctor says, "I'll call your wife and talk to her. You stop back in two days, and I'll let you know what I think."
Two days later the doctor explains that he spoke with her for 1-1/2 hours and says, "My advice to you is take the poison."
15 May 2023 9:20 pm
A guy's wife kicks him out of the house.
On his way out she says, Have a miserable life."
He stops, turns around, and says, "Oh, so now you want me to stay?"
On his way out she says, Have a miserable life."
He stops, turns around, and says, "Oh, so now you want me to stay?"
13 Jun 2023 1:00 pm
For those of us who are a little older...I found a ton of Newhart episodes on Youtube. I love his dry humor.sootedupCyndi » 16 Jul 2022, 8:13 am » wrote: ↑ An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub and order a pint of beer each.
Right after they’ve been served, three flies come and each of them land in one of the glasses.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his beer aside and calls the bartender for another one.
The Scotsman doesn’t look too pleased either, but he drinks it anyway.
The Irishman looks most irritated of all, reaches into his glass, pinches the fly in between two fingers while yelling: “spit it out, you bastard, spit it out!”
Bob's a little older now...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfbgTCY3fao
13 Jun 2023 6:20 pm
29 Jun 2023 10:15 pm
A lady is a big donor to a hospital and gets a private tour with a doctor. As they walk down a wing, she looks into a room and gasps, telling the doctor a nurse is giving a patient a hand job. The doctor explains that the patient has a medical problem that requires his seminal vesicles to be drained daily or they can rupture. She says that she understands. Further down the wing, she looks into another room and says, "Oh my god, a nurse is giving a patient a blow job in there!” The doctor replies, “Same problem -- better insurance.”
30 Jun 2023 2:40 am
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