Liberal Forum

Idiot Trump Lawyer Incredibly Good At Stepping On Own Dick Repeatedly

Which idiot Trump lawyer got to be the unlucky soul to go on TV and try to defend Trump Junior’s Russian Canoodlings this weekend?

Marc Kasowitz? Nah!

He was still recovering from ApplebeesGate, which is what we’re calling the thing that happened Wednesday night when Kasowitz was MAYBE at the Applebee’s gettin’ a little TOO CRAZY with the happy hour specials, so when a Rachel Maddow viewer emailed and politely told him to resign, he started (allegedly!) drunk-texting like a common drunk person, like “BITCH PLEASE!” and “I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!”

What about Alan Futerfas, Junior’s new lawyer?

Yeah let’s not, because there was news this weekend that the Trump campaign actually retained Futerfas WEEKS before Junior’s Russian sexxxting emails came out.

Mean journalists would probably want to ask about that, and whether the timing might JUST COINCIDENTALLY line up with when Jared Kushner suddenly remembered, after ALREADY suddenly remembering 100+ foreign contacts he done forgetted to report on his security clearance filings, that he met with a “Russian government lawyer” but did NOT remember meeting with her Russian hacker companion.

So Jay Sekulow got to go on the TV!

He did ALL FIVE SUNDAY SHOWS!

If you’ll remember, Sekulow is the weirdo wingnut fundamentalist Christian lawyer who’s on Trump’s legal team because we guess he’s the best Trump can afford.

Sekulow’s main points on the Sunday shows were that Donald Trump didn’t know about Junior’s Russian meeting (which was totally legal and above-board!), it was the Secret Service’s fault, and also James Comey and Hillary Clinton colluded with Benghazi to steal the election for Ukraine. Or something.

To get a really good idea of what we mean, you should watch Sekulow fight with Fox News’s Chris Wallace for almost 15 minutes:

(Watch video at link in title.)

Wallace wanted Sekulow to acknowledge that all the Trump White House’s changing stories surrounding Junior’s Big Gay Russian Orgy are “at the very least suspect.”

In response, Sekulow yammered his stupid face off about how James Comey “illegally leaked” things to the press. (He illegally leaked NOTHING.)

After Wallace finally convinced Sekulow that the question he asked had nothing to do with Comey (it took a while), Sekulow said, “I do not think the denial by the president of the United States is suspect at all.”

Um well OK!

Sekulow explained that Junior’s meeting with the Russians wasn’t a Russian meeting, despite how it was a meeting with Russians. (No for real he said that!)

Moreover, did you hear that the Ukrainians did the same exact collusion with Hillary Clinton? (They didn’t. Keep reading, for CNN’s Jake Tapper will kick Sekulow’s *** about this later on in this post!)

And even if Junior and Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner went to Junior’s meeting because they wanted to do big dirty conspiracies with Russia to hurt Hillary, they (allegedly) didn’t get the goods, so Sekulow says no harm no foul.

Crimes are not crimes unless you are SUCCESSFUL at doing the crime, which is why nobody in America is in jail for attempted murder right now.

And besides, Sekulow asked, doesn’t EVERYBODY do TOTALLY NORMAL OPPOSITION RESEARCH like this?

Wallace replied, “It doesn’t go on all the time with the Russians, JAY.”

Regardless, Sekulow reassured the Fox News audience that nothing about the meeting was “illegal” or “against the law.” (That we know of! So far! Allegedly!)

Things got super weird when ABC News reporter Jonathan Karl interviewed Sekulow for the “This Week” program.

You see, Sekulow pulled a GOTCHA! out of his bunghole by pointing out that if there was some big “problem” with Junior meeting with that passel of Russians, then the Secret Service would have stopped it, wouldn’t they? GOTCHA!
It only “raised a question” with him because he’s not very bright.

Reuters quotes Secret Service spokesman Mason Brayman, who notes that in June of 2016, **** Junior didn’t have Secret Service protection, therefore they wouldn’t give two flying **** how he was wasting his life that day:
Good try, Jay Sekulow! You know what Secret Service agents do for a living ALMOST PERFECTLY.

Except not.



Let’s watch idiot boy on “Meet The Press”:

(Watch video at link in title.)

SPOILER SURPRISE! Sekulow spent half that interview talking about James Comey doing ILLEGAL LEAKS. It’s like it’s an agreed upon talking point, or maybe “COMEY IS A LEAKER!” is the new “BENGHAZIZIIZIZI!!!!!!1!” for addled-brained wingnuts.

Also, apparently James Comey got a book deal, which according to Jay Sekulow proves … SOMETHING. He is not sure what, but hey, he’s not getting paid to use his noodle, he’s getting paid to lie on TV for ThinSkin McPussGrab.

Here’s a fun exchange on CNN’s “State Of The Union” with Jake Tapper:

(Watch video at link in title.)
Take that, stupid ****.

Sekulow also told Tapper he doesn’t think Junior did any other Russian conspiracy meetings besides this one, but was careful to remind everyone he is DADDY’S lawyer, not JUNIOR’S lawyer.

So we guess it’s entirely possible Junior did A LOT OF RUSSIAN CONSPIRACY MEETINGS.

Finally, Business Insider notes that another theme came up this weekend, and it was whether President **** McOrange might use his powers to go ahead and pre-emptively pardon all his friends and lovers, in case special counsel Robert Mueller finds real crimes:
So we’ll mark that one down as “You bet your *** he will!”

So! What have we learned? Nothing, the answer is nothing. Feel free to go back to whatever you were doing before you clicked on this.