28 Oct 2016 3:59 pm
Cocktober Surprise!
Anthony Weiner’s Dick Explodes All Over Hillary Clinton’s Emails
Ever since news broke Friday afternoon that FBI Director James Comey had “found” some new “stuff” that’s maybe “related to” the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s emails, journalists and normal people and even some Republicans have been collectively asking, “What in the actual **** is going on here?”
In Comey’s vague letter, released while Hillary Clinton was in the air without Wi-Fi (what is this, the Dinosaur Times?), he said he didn’t even know if this stuff would be big and important, and he didn’t know how long the investigation would take, but he was JUST SAYING, right here, eleven (11) days before the election, that “VAGUE NEWS HILLARY EMAILS GRRR ARGH.”
We can now tell you that, according to the New York Times, the “unrelated investigation” where they found the new **** is an investigation into Anthony Weiner’s sexting.
WHY THE HELL IS THE FBI INVESTIGATING ANTHONY WEINER’S DICK? Oh, because he was sexting with a 15-year-old girl.
We had been trying to repress all memories about Anthony Weiner’s dick, our bad. And Weiner is still technically married to Huma Abedin, Hillary’s lady best friend lover adviser, so there’s your connection.
The Clinton campaign has now released a statement:
In case you cannot read the statement, the summary is the FBI already said Hillz ain’t did **** wrong, that Comey said “it was not even a close call,” and that “It is extraordinary that we would see something like this just 11 days out from a presidential election.”
It continues:
The Director owes it to the American people to immediately provide the full details of what he is now examining.
We are confident this will not produce any conclusions different from the one the FBI reached in July.
In other words, PICS OR STEP THE **** OFF, James Comey, you politics-playing dickwad.
Seriously, what the hell?
What on earth could the FBI have found in Anthony Weiner’s sexxxphone that is relevant to the Hillary email non-troversy that it needs to be Cocktober Surprised into this presidential election?
Let’s look at some journalists on Twitter trying to figure all this out.
Oh lookie, it’s Sam Stein from the Huffington Post, noting that NBC’s Pete Williams has found out from his sources that these aren’t even emails FROM Hillary, they’re not John Podesta emails, it has nothing to do with Hillary’s people withholding emails, and also it’s probably a big nothingburger.
Let’s all panic!
Well, that clears it all up! We’re dealing with THREE EMAILS, according to the FBI! We’re so glad Director Comey decided to drop this turd on our Friday!
(“**** monster piece of **** son of a bitching bastard!” adds Editrix Rebecca in the Wonket Seekrit Chatcave, about Anthony Weiner and his underage girl-sexting dick.)
